A Kikyo Documentary: Life of a Claypot
by DeeDee-Chan
Summary: Dedicated to KayoriAnime-fangirl1. With your host, DeeDee-Chan, discover some of the things that we never knew about Kikyo. A Kikyo Bashing Story. UPDATED
1. Life is like Barney shows

A/N: Just read and review. Oh and Kayori!! I hope you like this new fanfic!!!  
  
[Chapter 1: Life is like Barney shows.]  
  
Have you ever wonder what does Kikyo do while the Inuyasha gang are off to fight for the Shikon Shards?  
  
Well, in this documentary, I have recorded numerous events with Kagome's video recorder.  
  
Yes, I'm too cheap and broke to even get my own video recorder or whatever you call it...  
  
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DeeDee-Chan rushes in front of the screen, in her hand is microphone. She tilts her glasses as she turns around to view the scene.  
  
"Oh!!! Sign please!!!"  
  
Hojo crawls over with a large, cardboard sign. In black print, it reads: A Kikyo Documentary: Life of a Claypot.  
  
He flashes the sign in the air and throws the sign away. He rushes closer to the screen and smiles.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"HI!!! Mom!! It's me, Hojo!!! Can you-"  
  
"Now shut up!!!"  
  
DeeDee-Chan shoves him out of the way and beats him up with her mic.  
  
"This is my show!!!! Don't hog all the glory!!! I told-"  
  
She turns around and smiles as she kicks him with her foot. "Hi... My name is DeeDee-Chan! I'll be your host as we view this program on a 'Life of a Claypot' Shall we?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The camera zooms into a clearing in the woods. In the corner, Kikyo is moving with her dead-soul stealing youkai. She is pale and emotionless as normal.  
  
"Well, from one of our viewers, we received this question."  
  
She takes out an index card and begins to read.  
  
"Does a claypot ever eat?"  
  
"Eat? Well that's a very intresting question.. Kikyo has been dead for 50yrs now but came back as a claypot."  
  
She holds up a claymodel of Kikyo. It has been smashed into smitherins but has been glued and taped back on several times.  
  
" Does she eat? Well, in every episode, I never did see her eating.. But let's take a look. Camera!!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kikyo looks around nervously as she walks near a pine tree.  
  
"Hmmm... it's been a long time since I've eatan anything. But there's hardly a villiage anywhere."  
  
She looks up at the branches where there a dozen of red berries growing.  
  
"Oh, what the heck. Even if I'm not made of flesh."  
  
Kikyo yanks out several berries and pops them into her mouth.  
  
"Hmmph. I don't have any taste buds and-"  
  
Kikyo yanks her hand, desperately off her mouth. Sap resin is all over her clay hands.  
  
She uses her other hand to pull the other one up but it gets stuck too.  
  
"Grrr........"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Squirrels, kitsunes and monkeys up in the tree, smirk and toss their piles of acorns onto the forest floor.  
  
Acorns drop onto the miko's head and causes several cracks in her head.  
  
She turns around and scowls at them. The youkia scamper up the tree in fright as they shake the pine branches. ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
DeeDee-Chan smiled at points.  
  
"Look everybody!! It's raining pine needles!!!"  
  
She turns around and shouts.  
  
"Merry Christmas Kikyo!! Ha Ha HA!!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kikyo runs after the the t.v crew as DeeDee-Chan laughs her heart out.  
  
"Look at her. She's no longer the claypot but the abominable pine needle!!"  
  
Kikyo frowns at the host.  
  
"What's the matter Kikyo!! Can't say anything. Sap got your tounge?!! Ha Ha Ha!!"  
  
Sweat drops off of Hojo's head. 'What a lame joke...'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
DeeDee-Chan reaches for Kikyo's bow and arrow.  
  
"Novelty items!!! Yeah!!"  
  
Kikyo kicks her in the head as she spins around in confusion.  
  
She collapses onto the floor and smiles at the camera with broken teeth.  
  
"Remember foks. Call and see if you can win these novelty items in our next episode: Life of a Claypot!!"  
  
"Claypot!!"  
  
Kikyo has supposedly ripped her clay fingers to speak.  
  
"Ummmmm!!! Bye!!!"  
  
DeeDee-Chan dashes off with the mad miko chasing after her.  
  
A voice echoes in the forest. "Don't forget to read the author notes!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
A/N: Neomail me with a question for the next chapter. If I use it, you'll be in it for a while (max: 4 sentences) and win a 'Kikyo Claypot doll and junk" in the story. Remember to review and review please!! Thankies... 


	2. Madness on a Talk Show?

Disclaimer: Inuyasha isn't mine nor yours.  
  
[Madness on a Talk Show?]  
  
DeeDee-Chan walks furiously back and forth on the t.v set. "Oh, crap!! Oh, crap!!! Why does it have to be me?!! And on this day?!!"  
  
Hojo taps on her shoulder. "DeeDee-Chan, we have a show-"  
  
She waves him away leaving him to stand in the corner and shiver as he waits.  
  
The t.v host kicks the wastebasket as Kikyo enters as she applies makeup to her clay face. "Could you quit that?!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Will you shut up?!!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because...... And stop scaring the kids!! You don't want to be another Michael Jackson by putting on cheap comestics on your ugly clay face!!!"  
  
Kiyko gasps and walks away.  
  
"Hmmmpph. It's not cheap. Naraku got it for me for $100."  
  
DeeDee-Chan sticks her tounge out at her. "I think it means a $1."  
  
Kikyo reaches for her bow and arrow.  
  
"Now you're asking for it missy!!"  
  
"Wait!!" Hojo steps between as they flash their sharp teeth. "Come on. You don't want any violence on this show."  
  
Both of their expressions become calm and serene. Hojo smiles. "Now, see.. Isn't everything better? I told you that my methods work-"  
  
"Shut up!!" They shut in unison as they shove him put of the way.  
  
"Ya wanna piece of me girl?" DeeDee smiles with glee.  
  
"Bring it on!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They reach for their weapons. DeeDee-Chan reaches for her two fresh, baked bagels as Kikyo grabs a long, french bread which is the length of a meter stick.  
  
Their baked goods clash and clash as Hojo screams (like a girl) in horror.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Meow! Meow!!  
  
"DeeDee?!!" The t.v host throws away her bagels as the himalayan cat enters the room and rubs her legs.  
  
"DeeDee.."  
  
"Aww. Is that the cat whom your pen name is named after?" Hojo moves closer.  
  
"Yes and don't pet him!!"  
  
"She is is so kawaii!!"  
  
"Shut up Kikyo!! And it's a he!! Not a she!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She cradles the cat in her arms. "Why was I so crabby sweetie?" She says in a bay tone way as the others sweat drop.  
  
"Well, a person deleted me from their favorites author's list and now I only have two who placed me on their lists. Then a reviewer said it was a pointless story."  
  
The kitty rubs her chin in affection.  
  
"That's my pal!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kikyo and Hojo whisper to another.  
  
"She got mad and raged like a bull over that?"  
  
"What a freak.."  
  
"I heard that!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Kikyo.. Kikyo.. Even if you're one of my favorite charecters on Inuyasha."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"And I don't usually bash you but only for my friends."  
  
"You do?!!" The claypot's eyes twinkle like stars.  
  
"You're gonna end up like my old Barbie dolls if you're gonna go on and yack!!!!"  
  
DeeDee-Chan tosses away a doll with ink scribble on the face as her cat leaps from her arms.  
  
"Scram!!!" She grabs a giant, plastic hammer and tries to strike at Kikyo but misses.  
  
"Ahhhh!!!! I thought you like me!!!"  
  
The t.v host runs around like a maniac with a giant hammer that nearly strikes down on Kikyo by every swing.  
  
"Die claypot!!!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Well, sorry for the bad mood she's in. But don't worry she'll do two for one chapter deal by using your questions next time." Hojo waves as he sneezes.  
  
"Allergies..." He rubs his nose as DeeDee the cat leaps away.  
  
"Bye!!!" He hold up the cardboard sign."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Come back here Kikyo!!!!"  
  
"Ahhh!!!!!" Kikyo screams till she slams into a brick wall. That gotta hurt.."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: Author situation is completely true... ( 


	3. The Thanksgiving Special Part 1

"You're on Kikyo!!!! Move it!!" DeeDee-chan shoves her onto the set.  
  
"You're not going to do anything worse than last time, are you?" The dead- miko looks around.  
  
"Don't worry.." She gives off an evil laugh. "As if I do anything to my favorite character.."  
  
"Really? Are you sure?"  
  
"Positive!!" DeeDee-Chan gives her a hard pat on the back while Kikyo nervously laughs.  
  
"Get ready guys. We're on in 5,4,3,2,1." Hojo holds up the sign with the words: 'A Kikyo Documentary: The life of a Claypot ; The Thanksgiving Special.'  
  
"HI!!! I'm DeeDee-Chan!!! Your host!!!" She throws up confetti. "Welcome to the show!!!!"  
  
She takes out some index cards. "From Sly Sliver Inu, she asks "I wonder what would happen if she got wet? I mean when it rains dirt turns to mud..So wouldn't she melt??"  
  
"I bet when you see this, it will be a whole lot better than the Wizard of Oz." She smiles and brings out a 50ft garden hose.  
  
"Let's get going!! Shall we?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~  
  
"Man, I get stuck with a job like this. But why?" Kikyo sits down a log and ponders on her thought.  
  
"I mean the others get to find shikon shards and I get stuck with low- paying job. Why is that!!!"  
  
DeeDee-chan aims the hose at Kikyo and signals Hojo to turn it up full throttle. "WATCH OUT!!! IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!!!"  
  
The set is flooded with water as Hojo, Dee-Chan, and Kikyo desparetly try to swim to the exit.  
  
"I thought you like me!!!!"  
  
DeeDee-chan shrugs. "I do, but who says I can't do this?" She splashes water onto her forehead. "Great, you don't melt.."  
  
"What?!!!!!"  
  
"Sorry Sly Sliver Inu... I think she's made of some special ceramic or something?"  
  
"Ceramic!!!!"  
  
"Well. yeah. I mean you're dead and all." She takes out a gardening kit. "AT least I can make it up to my reviewers with this."  
  
She pats soil and seeds on top of her head.  
  
"What are you doing?!!!!"  
  
"Look the sun's coming up!!!" She points to the sun outside of the skylight.  
  
Daisies begin to sprout out of Kikyo's head.  
  
"You know. This reminds me Dr. Suess."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I can't take this.. Do you know what? You're the only one who understands me.."  
  
Kikyo lies down on the ground as she fingers a piece of popcorn.  
  
"You're not alive, you're a dead piece of corn like me. And yet, you still understand. I'm grateful for having you as a friend Poppy."  
  
She turns to the small claymodel of her which has been taped with duct tape to hide the cracks.  
  
"And you... Well, I don't know. I think I have to get more duct tape form DeeDee-Chan's desk."  
  
"Aha!!!! That answers your question Free_Cheese_Rulz!!! Claypots do talk to other claypots!!! Even popcorn!!!!"  
  
"Can't you give me some privacy?!! Leave us along..."  
  
"Sorry Kikyo. That's not in the fanfiction contract."  
  
"Why you....."  
  
"Stand back!!!" She holds up the minature claypot. "I got a weapon!!"  
  
"Not little Kikyo!!!"  
  
"Then go back to your dorm room!!!"  
  
Kikyo frowns and quickly snatches back 'Little Kikyo'.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I really hate this. show!! With that pyschopathic t.v host." Kikyo pulls the covers of the blanket over her.  
  
"Well, do I sleep? Oh, well. At least I have an excuse to get away from her.."  
  
She shuts her eyes and smiles.  
  
Chug. Chug. Chug.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Chug. Chug. Chug.  
  
"Maybe that's the cat.."  
  
Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug.  
  
She suddenly opens her eyes.  
  
Chug. Chug.. Chug. Chug.  
  
"ONE MORE CHUG AND YOU'RE OUT OF HERE!!"  
  
.........................  
  
"That's better.." She closes her eyes again.  
  
"Hey Hojo!! I think we did it!!!"  
  
"I think so DeeDee-sama."  
  
"What?!!!" Kikyo throws away the covers and finds herself buried in dirt.  
  
"Well, The Mad Writer()!! Kikyo was obviously a pile of ashes buried underground when she died. So. to recreate the scenario, I decided that Hojo and I should bury Kikyo in her room with dirt!!!"  
  
"Won't that kill her, DeeDee-sama?"  
  
"Nonsense!! She's dead already. Just remember, to never try this at home except on a dead-miko named Kikyo!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Well, folks. This ends the first half of the Thanksgiving episode. Be sure to check out the next one though. A.S.A.P!!!"  
  
DeeDee-chan smiles as she pulls wagon full of daisies, a popcorn, 'Little Kikyo' and broken clay cups.  
  
"Hey, Sly Sliver Inu, Free_Cheese_Rulz and The Mad Writer()!! Remember to pick up your gifts before Kikyo finds out!!!!"  
  
DeeDee-chan dashes out to the exit. "Now I gotta pick up those glaze donuts!!"  
  
[Thus ends the first half of the show.]  
  
A/N: Review and review!!! 


	4. The Thanksgiving Special Part 2

Kikyo tosses the shovel away as she pulls herself from the dirt. "What a Happy Thanksgiving episode this is..."  
  
"Happy Thanksgiving!!!!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Hojo drags Kikyo to the refreshments stand. "We made a thanksgiving dinner!!!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"What's Thanksgivig without dinner together?"  
  
"Aw.. You really.." They stopped at the table. "Didn't have to. Really. Really."  
  
DeeDee-chans shoves ramen, pocky and donuts down her throat.  
  
"Join in. But if you can't eat. I'll help you!!" She ravenously chews with her mouth open as she reaches for some sprite.  
  
"Dig in?" Hojo stares back. "I think we need some heatlhy food like salad."  
  
He reaches in his grocery bag for some cheerios, lettuce, tmatoes, vanilia soymilk and tofu.  
  
"You brought more food. Yah!!!" DeeDee-chan attacks the grocery bag.  
  
Kikyo falls down anime-style and sighs.  
  
"Some weird Thanksgiving!!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
DeeDee-chan wipes her face with her sleeve as she finishes the 6 servings of chinese takeout consisting of chicken fingers, fried rice, chow mein, fortune cookies with paper, eggrolls and that fried thing with cheese.  
  
"Kikyo. I'm really sorry that you had to face all that tortue."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really? So, to make it up to you. I made another fanic which was mainly about you."  
  
"Nasty again?" "Maybe a little but basically showing your gentle and kind side of yourself."  
  
"You.. You. Actually did that?!!!"  
  
"Yup!!!"  
  
Kikyo jumps up and throws confetti.  
  
"I'm on my way to Hollywood!!!!" She puts on a pair of sunglasses.  
  
"No. You're Rumiko Takahshi's charecters and you're not real real. Only part of the anime world."  
  
"Drats!!!"  
  
"And I could only take you to the fanfiction world."  
  
"Will you make me famous?!!"  
  
"Most people hate you already. Want anything more?"  
  
"No, I mean the story!!!! Idiot.."  
  
"Depends if my readers like it. And call me idiot and I'll stuff you in that takeout box."  
  
Hojo tugs on DeeDee-Chan's coat. "Will you make me a star? In your fanfics I mean."  
  
"Umm.." She looks at Hojo's puppy eyes.  
  
"Maybe. Maybe not." He falls down anime-style.  
  
"But with support of my readers it all depends. So, if you guys want Hojo to have his story. You can go and tell me!!!"  
  
"Please!!" Hojo attacks the camera screen as she tries to pull him off.  
  
"Don't beg them.. You'll make yourself look even worse." She yanks and yanks. "You're making me embarsseed!!!"  
  
"I need stardom!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: Review and review.  
  
Extra: Read my other story 'A Mother's True love' and tell me if you want Hojo to have his own story. P.S. Don't forget to sumbit your ideas for the next chapter so if I use them, I'll send you the prizes!! 


	5. The Christmas Special Part 1

*Happy Holidays to you!!!!  
  
To celebrate the holidays, I dedicate this song to you!!  
  
-Hojo starts to play piano-  
  
"On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. A Shikon no Tama!!"  
  
Deedee-chan smiles and she holds it up into the light.  
  
---------------------------------------------------  
  
"On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. 2 groping hentai!!!"  
  
She bops Miroku in the head with a hammer as he approaches Sango with the 'wandering hand'.  
  
"And a Shikon no Tama!!!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
"On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 3 hanyou!!"  
  
Hugs all of the members of the Inuyasha gang. "Inuyasha!!" Kikyo rushes over as DeeDee trips her but helps her up.  
  
"2 groping hentai and a Shikon no Tama!!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
"On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 4 tetsuigas!!"  
  
Sesshumarou enters as he scrambles in the background and digs through DeeDee's stack of gifts on the refreshment table.  
  
"3 hanyou, 2 groping hentai and a Shikon no Tama!!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
"On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 5 prayer beads!!!"  
  
Inuyasha looks around and crumbles to the floor as DeeDee approaches with Kagome.  
  
"4 tetsuigas, 3 hanyou, 2 groping hentai and a Shikon no Tama!!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------  
  
"On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 6 Naraku's!!"  
  
"What!! I can regenerate." He walks off the set as the cast looks at him in disgust.  
  
"5 prayer beads,4 tetsuigas, 3 hanyou, 2 groping hentai and a Shikon no Tama!!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- 


End file.
